It All Falls Apart
by christylee
Summary: COMPLETE! COMPLETE! COMPLETE! School’s out, a day at the beach, but this is NOT the summer fun Lizzie and Gordo had been hoping for. Parker McKenzie is determined to split them up, and is Lizzie’s new friend Rachel secretly hoping for the same?
1. Chapter 1

_This is the final installment in my Gordo series, tho it is not, in fact, the end of the series. This tale fills a gap between _Gordo's Girls/Parker's Obsession_ (which happen some time before) and _Overcome_ (which pretty much directly follows). That would be the proper order to read in, if you wanted to place this in the series. But I think this story will stand well on its own, if that's all you want to read. (For a complete list of all the stories in my Gordo series, if you are interested, visit my FF Profile Page.) I may or may not write further adventures of Gordo in this series, but I am happy for the moment that with this story I am filling the gap._

_Oddly, tho this is my Gordo series, I am letting Lizzie tell the story. It just seemed right to get her perspective at this point._

_Anyway, for summertime teenage angst, read on…and enjoy!_

_ (Note: I had some trouble getting FF to accept the formatting, it wasn't working like it usually does, so I hope this comes out looking okay!)  
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Afterwards, everyone kept telling me that what I saw wasn't _actually_ what I saw. But I'm not a fool.

Well, okay. I am a fool. But still. I know what I saw.

Let me put it to you this way. That very same morning, Gordo and I had been sitting on the front steps of my house, waiting for Rachel to pick us up in her car. For a long time, we sat there, not talking. It had been like that a lot between us lately. There was a… _tension_ between us. I don't know how to describe it. It wasn't like it used to be. Things weren't so good anymore, not like they had been when we first started going out.

But anyway, while we were sitting there, not talking, I got up a few times to check the back of my shorts. We were going to the beach, and I was wearing white shorts, but the steps were dirty, especially dirty since it had rained last night, and I kept standing up to brush off the back of my shorts.

Well, I had to do something, didn't I? I couldn't just _sit there_ with Gordo, neither of us saying anything after what had just happened. I looked at my shorts, because I didn't want to look at him, and he wasn't looking at me either, because he was mad at me. We had just finished having this huge fight, but I'm not going to go into all _that_ here. I'm just saying that we weren't looking at each other, and we weren't talking, and it was extremely awkward.

Well, that can only go on for so long. Rachel was late again, like she always is, and we had to keep sitting there, in the morning sunshine—and it was steaming hot!—listening to the silence that was only broken by the distant chiming of an ice cream truck a block or two away, and eventually, I couldn't help it. I had to look at Gordo again.

So, my point is, I looked at him, and I know what I saw at that moment, sitting on the steps. And I know what I saw later that day, in the ocean, with all our friends all around, pointing and staring and laughing. Yeah, it was the same guy. It was this guy, David Gordon, my _former_ best friend, my current boyfriend…soon to be _ex-boyfriend._ Every time I looked at Gordo, I knew what I saw.

What did everybody mean, I didn't see what I saw? Why would they say that? Whose side are they on, anyway? Were they all just trying to be nice, trying to smooth things over, trying to make me feel better?

Well, it didn't work. Because I know what I saw. And it made me feel just about as miserable as I've ever felt in my life. Hard as it is to believe, the way I felt at the end of this day was even worse than the way I felt at the beginning of this day, sitting on the front steps with Gordo. Things were about to go from bad to worse.

So this is the situation. School was out. Finally! It was the middle of June, beautifully hot weather, steamy weather, _beach _weather, and this is supposed to be the summer of our lives. We're done with our Sophomore year, so we are now officially Juniors, yet without all the hassle of actually having to go to school. Best time of your life, right?

Gordo and I had been going out since Valentine's Day, so it was about four months, and during those four months, we were mostly happy, unbearably happy. All I wanted now was to go on being happy, and have the best summer ever. But Gordo, apparently, had a different plan for us.

What's his freakin' problem, anyway? Why does he always have to make life so complicated? You know, sometimes, when I think about it—like then, sitting on the front steps, looking at him staring up into the sky, trying very, very hard not to look at me—it seems to me that Gordo really _likes_ being miserable. He seems to seek out problems and things to worry about. Maybe it's due to his parents both being psychiatrists. Too much exposure to personality disorders, you know? Maybe somehow he thinks that having problems is _normal._ Or maybe he thinks a complicated life is an _interesting_ life. I really don't know. But, I mean, how else can you explain all the crap he'd been putting me through? All this preoccupation with sex, that pesky ho, Parker McKenzie, and to even _think_ what he's thinking about me and Rachel—

But I'm getting way ahead of myself here, aren't I? I guess all of these problems didn't happen overnight. But that morning in June, looking down the street for the red of Rachel's convertible, after the argument Gordo and I had just had, I would say they were at a peak. So, really, I shouldn't have been surprised at all by what happened later that day on at the beach. I shouldn't have been surprised, and maybe I shouldn't have even been upset, but—

No. No. That's Gordo talking. I had every right to be upset, after everything he'd put me through. Girls don't have to always bury their feelings and be subservient, just because they're girls. They have as much right as a guy to say what they want in a relationship. It's not just all about _him,_ you know. It's a two way street.

Now that's Rachel talking. She was always saying things like that to me. She's made me realize a lot about who I am as a person. She's made me see that it's all right to stand up for myself. And that drove Gordo crazy, didn't it? That's why he wasn't even talking to me that morning on the steps. He knew if he said something—anything!—I'd shoot right back at him.

You know, at the time, I almost wish he _would_ have said something. I was ready for him. What made him think he could say the kind of things he just said to me and get away with it? I wasn't going to take this lying down. I wasn't going to let him get away with being a selfish, egotistical male chauvinist pig. I was so pissed! So I stood up, wiped the butt of my white short shorts one more time, and put my hands on my hips, staring down at Gordo, daring him to look at me. But he didn't, he just kept his eyes fixed on the end of the block.

So I shifted my weight and sighed. "Okay, look—" I began.

"No, you look," he said instantly, but still not looking at me. "I don't want to do this with you anymore, Lizzie—"

I gasped indignantly. "Are you saying you want to break up with me?" My voice sounded kind of shrill, I could hear it.

"No!" he screeched back. Now, at last, he was looking at me. In fact, the look he gave me was kind of…well, very sad, very hurt, and I felt myself softening up a little. "No," he said then, more quietly. "It's not that at all. I love you, Lizzie. You should know that by now. I never want to break up with you. What I mean is, I don't want to fight with you anymore. And especially not today. Today is supposed to be all about having fun, starting the summer off right. So what are we doing? Why are we fighting? This doesn't make sense."

"I didn't start it," I reminded Gordo, hanging on to my last shred of bitterness.

"I didn't say you started it. And anyway, it's not about who started it. It's just about…well, let's just get past all this, can't we? I don't want to fight with you anymore, Lizzie. Can we stop this already? Can we go back to how we were? Before all this stupid stuff began?"

I honestly didn't know. Could we?


	2. Chapter 2

_I should have mentioned last time that I have extensive notes on this story, I know exactly where it is going, and I anticipate it should be seven chapters long. Of course, things could change, but it should be ABOUT that long._

_As I mentioned before the first chapter, this story is part of my Gordo Series, and yet here I have Lizzie telling the story. I wonder if any of you find that a little odd. Of course Lizzie may have a very slanted view on what is happening. Do you think that will be a problem in getting the "real story"? Do you think I should provide a way for Gordo to tell his side of the story as well?_

_As we go on, this chapter is really just a continuation of the last, where Lizzie and Gordo are in the middle of a fight, and Gordo has just asked if they can get past "all this stupid stuff." Lizzie picks up the narrative…_

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Wow. He really knows how to butter me up, doesn't he? I felt my resolve weakening. Sometimes fighting with Gordo for any length of time seemed almost impossible. There's something about this David Gordon. He's always been my best friend, of course, but these last four months we've gotten so much closer. He was so much a part of my life, I almost felt like if I didn't have him in my life, I wouldn't still be me. I would be only half a person. And I don't like even thinking about something like that. So I sat down next to him on the step, and I took his hand—or maybe he took my hand, I'm not really sure which—and finally, at last, we smiled at each other.

"I love you, Gordo," I said. "You know that."

"And I love you too, Lizzie. You know _that._"

"Yeah, I know. But then…so…how did everything get so complicated?"

"I don't know, Lizzie. But I do know this. We both have to find a way to deal with all this other… _stuff _in our lives. For starters, I'm making you a promise, right here, right now. Listen up, cos this is important. I'm going to quit badgering you about having sex—"

"No you aren't."

"I'm going to try. But you've got to realize that it's not going to be easy for me. I want you so much, I really do. And it's just so natural for me to want you like this, and I would think that you would be feeling the same way about me too—"

"Gordo!" I exclaimed. "You're doing it again! You're badgering me! Right now!"

But I don't think he heard me, because he just went on, "I mean, you might be a girl, but girls have hormones too, right? And we're teenagers and this is the time when all teenagers, boys _and _girls alike—"

"Look," I said adamantly. "Don't you be giving me any kind of lecture about what it's like to be a girl. You're not the expert."

"No, I guess I'm not, am I?"

"Not even close," I smirked. I used to tease him about being "Professor Know-It-All Gordo," and it's kind of a joke between us, but I wasn't going to joke about this now. I set my lips together and stared at him. "In fact," I said finally, somewhat against my better judgment, "sometimes, Gordo, you're really pretty clueless about girls."

"Well then," he returned instantly. "I guess that's what Rachel's for, huh?"

Oh, the bitterness in his voice!

"Look," I said again, just as adamantly. "If you and I are going to be together, you have got to get used to the fact that Rachel is a part of my life now. And why can't I have a _girl_ best friend? You never had a problem with Miranda."

"We've been through this, Lizzie. That was different. Totally different. And you know it."

"Of course I know it!" I exclaimed, feeling pretty exasperated by this time. "Do you think I don't remember? Miranda was the best friend I ever had. Besides you, I mean. But she's real busy now, she's got Jeremy and her music, a whole new group she hangs out with, not to mention that she's spending half the summer in Mexico. And Rachel has always been such a good friend to me—"

"No she hasn't," Gordo said flatly. "She's steered you wrong plenty of times. Do you want me to make a list?"

Suddenly I bounced up from the curb, so aggravated at him once again. "No! Don't be a moron, Gordo. I do not want you to make a list! Just lay off her already, alright?"

"But—"

"There are no 'buts,' Gordo! This is the way it is!" I was shouting once again. I really didn't want to be doing this. And I especially did not want to say the next thing that came out of my mouth, but somehow, there it was.

"You know what I think?" I demanded, after seething for a while. Now I was pacing, restlessly, like a cat. I can't believe how agitated I felt. "This is what I think, Gordo. I think you are a selfish egotistical male chauvinist _pig_! I think you don't want to share me with anybody else in the world! I think if you could have your way, you would lock me up in a basement somewhere, and never let me see other people, only you, and…and…and then probably only when you wanted to have sex!" I spit out the last part, sounded really crazed.

"What!" Gordo exclaimed. Yeah, I was ranting like a crazy woman. He was kind of right to have his eyes popping out of his head. Or maybe that startled expression was because I'd just given him an idea, something his perverted little mind hadn't already thought of. Though that's unlikely. I'll bet he's thought of everything already.

"And…and…" I went on, continuing to pace, "I'll tell you what else I think! I think—No!" I changed my mind suddenly and blurted out, "No! It wouldn't just be me in that basement, would it? It would be me and your beloved Parker McKenzie! You could have us both tied up down there and—"

"Oh my God, Lizzie! Are you losing your mind, or what?" Now he was standing beside me, demanding, "Is that what you think of me?"

For a moment I quieted down, then I said, "Honestly…I don't know what I think anymore, Gordo."

"Obviously not!"

"But I do think…I think….if there was some way that you could have both me _and _Parker, you'd do it. You'd do it in a heartbeat."

Now it was Gordo's turn to sigh. Yeah, that was a little unfair, I admit. And I didn't really think that. At least I don't _think_ I did. Well, I did, to some extent. But mostly, it was just jealousy talking.

"Lizzie," Gordo said evenly, and I could tell he was really trying to contain himself. "What did I just say to you, like five minutes ago? Didn't I just say that I don't want to fight with you anymore? And I definitely don't want to talk about Parker McKenzie. Despite anything Rachel may be telling you, there is nothing between me and Parker. And I just refuse to talk about this anymore. Period. Do you hear what I'm saying?"

I frowned and plopped myself back down on the step. It was the dirtiest step, after last night's rain, and I knew without a doubt I was going to have a big smudge on the back of my white shorts. But I didn't care. I didn't care about anything at this point. I just crossed my arms over my chest and said, "Yeah, I hear you. No talking. So then. We're right back where we started, aren't we?"

Gordo sighed again, but he didn't say anything. There was nothing more to say. He knew it as well as I did. And so we found ourselves plunged right back into that uncomfortable silence, both of us looking down the street for Rachel's car to come around the corner.

And at last it did. Hopefully, now, somehow, magically, we would do that thing that old married couples always do, pretending to get along in front of company. I looked forward to Rachel's company today, if for no other reason than to get some relief from this constant bickering with Gordo. And so, as I saw the red of the Mustang and heard the persistent bass beat of disco music spilling out into the air that always surrounds Rachel as she approaches, I sprung to my feet and exclaimed, "Oh good!"

"Yeah, great," Gordo said dryly. "Your _girlfriend's_ here."

I glared at him. At Gordo, my soon to be ex-boyfriend. "Don't…even…._start_," I warned, surprised by the venom in my own voice before I turned to Rachel, grinned pleasantly and sang, "Hey there, Rach! Ready to get this show on the road?"


	3. Chapter 3

_Well, this story is moving slowly, but lately it seems to me that all of Lizzie McGuire FF is moving slowly. Helloooo, is there anybody out there? Is anyone still getting the show, still watching? I have a hard time believing I will ever tire of these characters. I love putting them in difficult, angsty situations. And thus, we have now another chapter detailing the breakup of the perfect couple, Lizzie and Gordo. Tell me what you think of Rachel. Would Lizzie really be friends with someone like her?_

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"Hey there, Lizzie!" Rachel sang, turning down the music, but only a little. "Hop in! You too, Gordon. Once again, you get the whole back seat to yourself. How lucky!"

I sat in the front with Rachel, and Gordo sprawled himself out in the back, eyes closed. He quickly pretended to go to sleep, I guess so he wouldn't have to talk with me and Rachel. Well, that was just fine, as far as I was concerned. I didn't really want to talk to him, anyway.

And besides, what Rachel and I were talking about had nothing to do with him. It was all girl stuff. And I know this is going to sound terrible, but since it was all _Rachel's _stuff, it made me feel better. Not that I wished anything bad to happen to her! Not at all. But focusing on her issues made me temporarily forget my own, and that felt good.

You see, it hadn't always been like this, me and Rachel in the front seat and Gordo sprawled out alone in the back. Up until a few days ago, Rachel had a boyfriend, Todd. He used to go with us everywhere. But Todd just graduated high school and had taken off immediately for UC Davis, up by Sacramento. He left right after graduation, he said, because he needed time to "get adjusted" to his new surroundings. But Rachel knew better. Even though Todd insisted he had no intentions of breaking up with Rachel, she felt sure the handwriting was on the wall. She had even convinced herself that Todd had lined up a new girlfriend for himself when he visited the college last Spring Break. She felt it was over between her and Todd, and she was feeling pretty bad about that, totally rejected.

"Well, I was right," she announced in a tone of bitter triumph, as she pulled the car out of the driveway. "What did I say only last Monday? I said it would be less than a week before Todd stopped returning my calls. And what do you think happened last night? _Nada. _ Absolutely nothing. No call at all."

My job as Rachel's friend was to comfort and support her through this crisis, and that's what I found myself doing now as we approached the highway that would take us towards the beach. I tried to make her feel better with some lame scenario that perhaps he had lost his cell phone, or forgotten to charge it, but Rachel wasn't buying, and frankly, I didn't blame her.

She checked the rear view mirror quickly, then swerved into the turning lane.

"Fucking Todd…" she breathed quietly. "Scumbucket."

I had been doing a lot of comforting and supporting this last week. Rach and I had had more than one "pity party" since Todd left. These parties usually involved massive amounts of pizza and ice cream, weepy chick flicks till way past midnight, followed by long, heartfelt discussions until it was so late, it was silly for Rachel to even bother driving home, so she would simply sleep over.

For some reason, Gordo seemed really jealous of all the time I was spending with Rachel. Well, he always was, but this week his jealousy was exceptionally pronounced, even to the point where he was once again hauling out his "Rachel wants you" fantasies.

Now. I have to tell you, right up front, he is totally delusional. There was nothing like that between Rachel and me, and personally I was getting really sick of his innuendos. It had been going on for too long now, and it just wasn't funny.

I remember the first time he sprung his gross fantasies on me. We were arguing about something, and as always, Gordo insisted on dragging Rachel into it.

"What is your freakin' problem with Rachel?" I yelled at him. "Crap, Gordo! You know, sometimes it sounds to me like you're jealous of her!"

"Do I have a reason to be jealous of her?" he questioned immediately, his eyes searching mine.

"Look," I explained. "You're being a little over-possessive, don't you think? I can't spend my every waking moment with you, can I?"

"No," he answered, never skipping a beat. "But it looks to me like Rachel would like to spend all her waking moments with you. And maybe some of her not-awake moments as well."

"Gordo," I said in exasperation. "What are you talking about?"

"Don't you know? Isn't it clear? I'm fairly certain Rachel…has designs on you," he said carefully.

I huffed. "Has designs?" I repeated. "What the hell does that mean?"

"You know exactly what that means," Gordo said evenly.

"Are you saying she's a lesbian?"

"No," he answered simply. "Probably not. She's probably bi."

I huffed again. "Men! I swear! Just because you have difficulty developing close personal relationships with the same sex, you automatically assume that when women do, it must have sexual overtones."

"No, not automatically," Gordo defended himself. "I never thought that about you and Miranda."

"Well, thank goodness at least for _that_!"

"But with you and Rachel…it's different."

"What's different?" I demanded.

"It's just that…well, I could easily see…"

"See what?" I asked, maintaining my demanding tone.

"I mean, it's not hard to imagine…"

"Imagine what?" I questioned, then stopped suddenly, as the answer to my own question suddenly became clear. I was momentarily speechless, and as I stood there, staring at Gordo, his face turned bright red, until finally he had to look away.

"UGH!" I spit out. "Gordo, you are such a _pig!_ What is going on in your mind lately?"

"I…I….I can't help it!" he defended himself. "You can't blame me! I'm not a kid anymore. It's only natural. All guys think stuff like that."

"Then maybe Rachel is right," I shot back. "Maybe all guys _are_ pigs."

I don't remember how Gordo and I eventually sorted out our differences on this issue. Actually, I'm not sure we ever actually did. I know to this day, it still bothered me whenever I thought of what he must be imagining about me and Rachel.

And this morning, I was just mad enough at Gordo to take a jab at him. I glanced back at him quickly, but he was still pretending to sleep. Still, for his benefit, as much as for Rachel's, I wholeheartedly agreed, "Yeah, Rach. You're right. Todd's a scumbucket. They're _all_ scumbuckets. They're all _pigs_."

"You go, girl!" Rachel agreed, at last comforted, at last laughing.

I glanced back at Gordo and thought I saw a slight wince in his expression.

Now I noticed Rachel looking at me, then I saw her eyes flick up to the rear view mirror, checking on Gordo. This girl is incredibly intuitive. "Everything all right?" she asked quietly, simply.

I shrugged. I could tell that Rachel knew Gordo and I had been fighting, but I didn't want to talk to her about it, at least not here, not now.

"Well," she announced, reaching over and patting my leg. "Today is going to be a good day, Lizzie. A day to forget all about our problems, what do you say? No distractions, no drama, right? We're just going to have fun. No Todd…and no Parker McKenzie, either," she added, meaningfully.

Rachel had said this loud enough for Gordo to hear, even over the wind and the music, and I saw her glance into the rear view mirror once more, checking his reaction.

I was a little annoyed with her for even bringing up Parker McKenzie. For a short while, I had actually forgotten about the ho, and it had been so pleasant. But still, I was curious about what she was saying. "No Parker?" I asked. "Are you sure?"

"Who put this party together, girlfriend? _Moi._ And I was very careful about the guest list. I made sure NOT to invite certain annoying boyfriend-leeching skanks. So unless _someone else_ invited her, she won't be there today."

I sat back, feeling good about this, until for a third time I saw Rachel checking Gordo in the rear view mirror. This time, she actually reached her right arm back between the bucket seats and slapped him on the knee.

"Hey, Gordon!" she yelled over the music. "How about it? You think Parker will be at the beach today?"

"Rachel!" I exclaimed. What the hell was she doing? I swear, sometimes I think this girl makes her own trouble. This whole business with Todd, to tell the truth, it had been just as much her fault as his. I'm not going to go into the details here, but believe me, she was not completely innocent. But that's her life. She can do what she wants with it. I just don't appreciate it when she starts messing around in mine.

"Oh, chill, Lizzie," Rachel admonished with a sarcastic grin. "Gordon's got nothing to hide, has he? So how about it, loverboy? Will Parker and her emerald green string bikini be making an appearance at the beach today?"

Gordo shifted uncomfortably, but never opened his eyes. "How the hell should I know?" he mumbled, and I could tell by his tone that he was annoyed beyond endurance.

I sat back, arms folded across my chest, at the moment not happy with either Gordo _or_ Rachel. So far today both of them had assured me that this day was going to be one of the most wonderful of my life. But, all things considered thus far, I was seriously starting to doubt that could be at all possible.


	4. Chapter 4

_Without further ado, the story continues…_

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It was perfect beach weather. Hot, but with a breeze blowing in from the ocean. The southern California sky was mostly blue, with a few passing clouds, but not the kind that threaten rain, just the kind that give you relief from the sun, every now and then, at precisely the moment you need it most.

When we first got to the beach, I went into the water with Gordo for a few minutes, just to cool off, and also to be sociable, as a kind of peace offering. I felt maybe I had been a little hard on him this morning. I hated the tension that was hanging over us. I knew that Gordo would appreciate me for joining him in the ocean, and during those few minutes together in the cool, clear water, the tension between us seemed to wash away, if not completely, at least considerably. We spent a few moments splashing back and forth together, then I kissed him quickly on the cheek and began the short trudge back up to the sand.

I set myself up on my huge terrycloth beach blanket, which I had bought especially for outings like this. It was orange and pink and green striped, and large enough for Gordo and I to lie down on together. If I could ever get him out of the ocean!

Gordo loved the ocean. I don't think he could be miserable for too long, as long as he was in the salty sea air. When we were kids, I used to tease him that when he grew up he ought to become a pirate. Hee hee…I still have to smile whenever I recall my childhood image of Gordo with a peg-leg, an eye-patch and a parrot on his shoulder squawking, "Land ho!" Even now, sitting on my huge beach towel, looking at Gordo out in the waves, throwing a Frisbee back and forth with Kevin and Randy, I feel so much better than I did just an hour or two ago.

"Hey, Lizzie!" I heard.

I looked down the shoreline. There were a dozen or so people here with us, most I knew, but some I did not. It was Brandon who had called out my name. Brandon, one of my old boyfriends, looking tall and fit and tan in his aqua and blue-checkered swim trunks, his hair blonder than ever.

I smiled at him and waved. He waved back, but did not come over. Jessie, his new girlfriend, ran at him and threw her long arms and legs around him. He easily hoisted her into the air, and she screamed and giggled as he carried her down to the shoreline.

Brandon. I sighed. He came after Brett, but before Bryan….I think. Maybe right before Brad? I couldn't exactly remember, and for a moment it bothered me that I couldn't remember. Gordo always said he could not keep track of all my former boyfriends. Sometimes I couldn't either.

I looked across at Rachel on the next blanket. She was talking to Ethan, flirting with him, asking him to rub suntan lotion on her back. Ha! And Todd barely gone a week. I guess the pity parties would be over now. Rachel sure did bounce back fast. To hear her tell it, she'd had enough experience at being dumped.

Well, so did I. Boys like Brandon and Brett and Todd and Ethan and Danny Kessler….I wasn't interested in any of that anymore. I took another look at Gordo down in the ocean, jumping and splashing about with the Frisbee, and suddenly I realized how lucky I was to have him.

Gee, I was certainly feeling all mushy and nostalgic all of the sudden. I guess it was on account of school being out, the start of summer, end of one era, beginning of another, that kind of thing. Or maybe it was just because I was due to get my period in a few days. Suddenly though, settling down on my beach blanket, feeling the warm sun caressing my back, I found myself reflecting on what a dope I'd been for so long.

When I first got to high school, and got into cheerleading, and became "popular," I discovered a whole new group of people who wanted to be my friend. And then, all of the sudden, there were boys, boys, boys everywhere! Boys who wanted to date me, and so I dated them, and it was such a rush. I got so wrapped up in that whole scene for such a long time, going places I'd never been, doing things I'd never imagine myself doing.

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm a good girl. Basically. I never went "all the way" with any of these boys I dated, but in hindsight, I think with some of them I might have crossed that delicate line between expressing my affection and going too far. Looking back on it all now, I wish I'd used a little more discretion, guarded myself more carefully. Boys like Brandon, they can easily persuade you to do things, and then later, when they break up with you, you don't really feel good about those things you did. You give away a big part of yourself, and you can never really get it back.

What's worse, you especially don't feel good when you hear that the boy has been bragging to all his friends about how far you let him go. It's bad enough when they make stuff up. For instance, I know for a fact that Bryan was telling all his friends what a "good fuck" I was, and I got so pissed, and had to waste a lot of precious energy squelching those rumors. On the other hand, thought, when the things they're saying are actually true, it's much harder to object, and you have no one to blame but yourself.

I contemplated all this for a while, and came to the same conclusion I always come to. Poor Gordo. I sighed and turned over, roasting myself like a chicken in a rotisserie. Yeah, poor Gordo. He was such a sweetheart, he would never, ever treat me as poorly as any of these other boys. He would never tell tales, he would never embarrass or humiliate me. Of that much I was sure.

Gordo is so much different than any of the other boys I've dated, not only physically, but the bond between us is so much deeper. I mean, Gordo is, and always will be, first and foremost, my friend. And what a delight it was, when we first started going out, to realize that this person who had been my best friend for so many years could now also be my "lover."

I say "lover" loosely, because really, we haven't been as intimate as I was with any of those other guys, and certainly not as intimate as Gordo wishes we were. At first, we took it slow, and he was respectful, but after a while, I could feel him getting frustrated, anxious. So we talked about it, and I tried to explain to him how afraid I was of getting hurt. He didn't understand, I'm sure, even though he said he did, and I think I hurt his feelings by suggesting that he might ever do something mean to me, that he might ever betray me.

I knew he wouldn't, I know he won't, but I'm just being so, so careful with Gordo, because…well, because there's just too much on the line, you know? I'm not really sure how to explain this, but with Gordo it's like….well, he already knows me so well, so much better than any of those other boys ever did, and if I were to let him get _that_ close, I mean physically close, it would be like I wouldn't have anything left of myself that was still mine, only mine. And if I gave myself to him completely, and then somehow something happened, it would be…well, I don't know if I could survive it.

But nothing's going to happen, right? Everything is great between me and Gordo, right? Isn't it? I mean, yeah, we had a rough spot this morning, we have a little rough spot every now and then, but all in all, Gordo and I are fine.

With these thoughts in my mind, I sat up on my beach blanket, and reached into my bag for my Diet Pepsi.

"Watch it, Lizzie," Rachel said from her beach blanket beside me. "You look like you're starting to burn. You want me to put some suntan lotion on your back?"

For some reason, her question bothered me. "No," I said flatly.

"Well, how about Ethan?" she suggested. "He could do it. He's…_real_…real good at rubbing on the lotion."

I scrunched my face up further as I saw Ethan, lying beside Rachel, lift his head and wink at me.

"No thanks," I said, turning away.

And as I turned away, looking down the beach, in the distance I saw…a green bikini! Parker? God, no! My heart raced. Don't tell me she was here! Instantly my eyes darted down to the water, where I saw my Gordo, still innocently chasing the Frisbee about with Kevin and Randy, and now Alex as well.

He was safe. None of his friends would let Parker get to him. And I certainly would not let Parker get to him! My impulse was to dash down to the water, to protect my Gordo from that awful boyfriend-leeching skank. But as I began to rise, I took another look and realized….

Whew. It wasn't Parker after all. It was only Amanda. That's right, Amanda also had a green bikini, though admittedly, her bikini covered a lot more skin than Parker's did. I took another deep sip of Diet Pepsi before settling back on my blanket. Danger averted.

At least for the moment.


	5. Chapter 5

_Sorry this story is taking so long for me to write! Life is busy (whose isn't?) and I also have several other ideas knocking around in my head lately. Dr. Strange and I have been working quite a bit on a project we hope to present together, so that's been taking a lot of my creative energy these past few weeks. I'm also considering adding one or two more chapters to my Gordo Series…eventually! Tho the very next story I do will likely be something that I've had on the back burner for over a year now. Greenaura, you know what I'm talking about! _;)

_I hope to finish this story in one or two more chapters. As for this chapter you are about to read, here's where we get into the meat of it, everything about Parker. Why do we love to write her as the villainess? Is it just because she once showed an interest in Gordo, and deep down we all know Gordo belongs with Lizzie? Or perhaps…Miranda? But definitely not with Parker!_

_Anyway, here we go, back to the beach on a sunny summer afternoon…_

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My heart was still racing from the mere thought that Parker might be here on the beach, devising a plan to sink her claws into Gordo. I took a few deep breaths, forcing myself to calm down. I took another sip of Diet Pepsi, then lay back, shielding my eyes from the sun. At last, I began to feel better, a little more normal again.

Parker McKenzie! Damn her! Almost since Gordo and I started going out, this past Valentine's Day, Parker has been lurking about in the shadows. Well, sometimes in the shadows, sometimes not so much in the shadows. The point is, she's always there, and I'm sick of her.

Personally, I've never liked Parker. In fifth grade, I accidentally sat on her Titanic lunchbox, and she's pretty much never forgiven me for that. Parker was a huge Leonardo DiCaprio fan back then. She was interested in boys way before she should have been. And not long after, she graduated from obsessing over movie stars to obsessing about real boys.

I mean, everybody knows that this past school year she's slept with at least half the guys on the football team. She practically distributes flyers about it herself whenever she makes a new "conquest." Well, I don't care what she does in her spare time, as long as she keeps her hands off Gordo. But unfortunately, Gordo is the one guy upon whom she appears most fixated.

It started way back in eighth grade. Gordo liked her back then (why, I'll never know!) and he asked her out, but she said no, because he was too short. Poor Gordo! He went through some self-doubt, which is so unlike him. I remember it well. Eventually he figured out if someone didn't like him just the way he was, then that was their problem, not his. Of course, by this time, Parker decided she really _did_ like Gordo after all. But now that his feelings had been hurt, he wasn't interested in her anymore. Well! I guess her ego just couldn't handle that, couldn't handle being rejected by a boy. I guess it had never happened to her before. I think that must have been the beginning of her obsession with Gordo, wanting the one guy who didn't want her.

Gordo went out with this girl Nicole for quite a while in ninth and tenth grade. I liked Nicole, she was okay, and I think she was good for Gordo, at the time. I've always wondered if Parker was as much of a pain in the ass to them as she's been to us, but I refuse to ask him about it. You see, he's kind of sensitive about the whole subject of Parker. He really doesn't want to talk about her, and he always gets mad at me when I bring her up.

"Lizzie, will you just drop it already?" How many times has he said that to me? "I don't like Parker, I like _you._ I don't want to be with Parker, I'm here with _you_. Why can't you forget about her already?"

Yeah. Easier said than done. You see, I believe him, about not being interested in her. Well, pretty much. But there have been a couple of times…

Okay. There was the pool party at Danny Kessler's house, back in March. It was Danny's birthday, Parker was his girlfriend at the time. She invited me and Gordo. Really, she invited Gordo, but she knew he wouldn't go anywhere without me, so she had to invite me also. I didn't want to go at all, but Gordo did. So we fought about that. It was the first time we'd fought about anything. I accused him of wanting to see Parker. He denied it flat out. It was kind of a nasty fight that ended in some crying (on my part) and some declarations of undying love (on his part), so in the end it was okay. I guess.

Until we got to the party. There was Parker, strutting around in her little green bikini. Gordo and I were sitting by the pool, and Parker kept walking back and forth in front of us, adjusting her bathing suit to show more and more of her ass. Then she jumped into the pool and came out all wet, with her nipples showing right through her tiny top, and paraded right in front of Gordo, daring him not to look at her.

And he didn't. Almost. But at one point, he couldn't help himself. I saw his head turn, his eyes wander. I had to pull him back, make him focus on me. And he did. But it always bothered me, ever since, that he _did_ turn to look at her, even if it was just for a moment, that he was not immune to her blatant and disgusting come-ons. I mean, if he would turn his head to look at her when I was sitting right there with him—right there!—what might he do if she ever got him alone?

I think it's pretty obvious that the girl has no shame. She'll flirt with Gordo, right in front of me! And more times than I can remember, she's sent him some kind of gift. "Just Thinking of You" cards in his locker, or a "Have a Happy Day!" bouquet of helium balloons delivered to his classroom. Once, she even gave him a CD of love songs she compiled, just for him!

But worse than that, I think, is when she dedicates songs to him on the radio, on the one station we all listen to. Well, she doesn't exactly say, "This is from Parker, with love, to Gordo," but it's usually pretty obvious who she is and who she's dedicating the song to.

And even worse, if the DJ lets her get on the radio to speak her dedication, there's no denying her voice, that nasally, awful voice. She's dedicated songs to him like _I Want You Now _by Color Theory, and _Slave For You_ by Britney Spears. The most embarrassing one, though, had to be when she got the DJ to say, "This one goes out to Davey, from his hurtin' little girl. Please, please, won't you give her some…_sexual healing_!" and then he played that old Marvin Gaye song.

Yeah. Pretty bad, I know. But the _most_ awful thing about the song dedications is that everybody in school hears them, everyone knows that Parker is after my boyfriend. I feel like such a fool! I constantly feel like people are talking behind my back. I got really paranoid for a while. I mean, once, walking down the hall, I actually thought I heard some faceless freshman say, "Do you think Lizzie will be able to hold on to him?" Like I said, I was paranoid. That might not have happened at all. But even to this day, I remember what I think I heard, and even now I still ask myself that same question every day: Will I be able to hold on to Gordo?

Remembering all this, I sighed as I sat up on my beach blanket. Rachel must have heard me sigh, because she touched my arm lightly and asked, "Hey, Lizzie, you okay?"

"Yeah," I said, sighing again. I looked out at the ocean, squinting my eyes against the glare of the sun, searching for Gordo. For a moment I couldn't find him, and there was that momentary pang in my heart, but then…yes! There he was! He had drifted somewhat to the north, with the tide. Only Alex remained with him now. In fact, except for those two, the ocean was relatively empty and calm.

As I sat there a moment longer, Gordo saw me sitting up, and waved wildly. I could even see his grin from here! I smiled back and made a sideways motion with my hand, urging him to move back closer in front of me. He made an exaggerated "okay" with his right hand, and began to swim back.

I lay back, on my stomach once again, careful not to let any one side of me get too much sun. This time when I sighed, it was a sigh of contentment. Things didn't seem quite so bad, now that I had seen Gordo smiling at me. All this business about having sex or not having sex, all this business about Parker…suddenly I felt I could deal with it. I even dared to bring up my very worst memory about Parker and Gordo, and it didn't seem to sting as much as it usually did.

You see, the fact is that once, Parker had kissed Gordo. Once. It seems that when Gordo was in the dumps right after Nicole moved away, Parker had coerced him into going to a Green Day concert with her, and at some point during the evening, she kissed him. When we had been going out only a few weeks, Gordo told me all about it. It was hard for him to tell, and even harder for me to hear, but in the end I was glad he had decided not to hide anything from me.

After that, though, I started having these awful nightmares about Gordo and Parker kissing passionately, and I would usually wake up feeling nauseous and anxious, to the point where once or twice I actually missed a day of school. But slowly, I adjusted, and convinced myself that these were just dreams and couldn't hurt me or Gordo.

Of course, Parker couldn't possibly know that these dreams were upsetting me, but somehow she instinctively knew just how to taunt me. For the most part, she pretty much acted like I didn't even exist, but shortly after Danny Kessler's pool party, I guess after her little bikini strutting ploy didn't work as well as she had hoped, she was feeling sort of desperate, so she actually approached me, on the courtyard one day at lunch, and said, straight to my face, "You know that Gordo kissed me, don't you?"

Well, yes. I knew. And luckily, as the child of two psychiatrists, Gordo had figured Parker out long ago and had warned me that she was just the sort of girl who might try to upset me with something like this. In fact, only the night before, Parker had dedicated the song _Feed Me With Your Kiss_ by My Bloody Valentine, to the "Greatest Kisser in the World, You Know Who You Are," so I wasn't really that surprised when she sprang her "revelation" on me.

"Yeah, I know," I told her, trying really hard not to stoop to her level. "He told me all about it. He also told me you really suck at kissing."

Okay, maybe I didn't _quite_ succeed at not stooping to her level.

But Parker was so disgusting. She just smirked at me and said, very slowly, "Yeah, you know what, Lizzie? I do. I really…really do…_suck_…at kissing. Ask Gordo. He'll tell you how much I…_suck_."

"Fuck off, McKenzie, you delusional bitch!"

No, that wasn't me. Though I almost wish it had been. Rachel had come to my side as soon as she saw Parker approaching, and of course she never had any qualms whatsoever about stooping to anyone's level.

There was some further exchange between Rachel and Parker, I don't remember what exactly, but I'm sure Parker got the message not to mess with me anymore, or she would have Rachel to deal with. And sure enough, after that, Parker went back to acting like I didn't even exist.

I didn't mind. In fact, it was better that way. I felt like I'd won that round. In fact, most of the time, I felt I was in the winning column. Parker's kisses from Gordo: one. Lizzie's kisses from Gordo: hundreds upon hundreds. Yep, I was winning this one, to be sure.

And now, even as I had these thoughts in my mind, Gordo was with me once again, standing over the blanket, shaking the salt water out of his curly hair, drops of it spraying all over me. I screeched and he laughed, then plopped down beside me, wrapping his arms around me as I continued to squeal and giggle against his wet body.

"Gordon!" Rachel complained from the next blanket. "Do you mind? You're getting sand all over me!"

"Oops! Sorry!" Gordo apologized, then he laid very still beside me, so as not to drip any more water or stir up any more sand. I turned sideways, into his wet embrace and we kissed…and kissed again…with the saltiness of his skin against mine, and the sun beating down on us through the clear blue sky, and finally, at last, everything felt okay.

"What are you doing?" I asked. "Are you finally tired of the water?"

"I never get tired of the water," Gordo grinned. "It looked like you were waving me in."

"No, no!" I said. "I was just telling you that you were drifting, that you should come back, before you got too far north. Before you ended up on the other side of the pier!"

Gordo laughed lightly. "That wouldn't happen, silly. I'm not going to let you out of my sight that easily."

"You can go back in the water," I suggested. "I didn't mean to make you come in."

"That's okay," he said. "I don't mind coming in. I kind of missed you out there. I wanted to see you."

"Oh, Gordo…"

"Lizzie," he whispered suddenly, running his hand through my hair. "I'm so sorry about fighting with you earlier."

"Me too," I said. "It was so stupid. Let's never fight again, okay?"

"Okay," he agreed. "And whatever problems we have, we'll work them out, right? Let's not let anything come between us."

I nodded. "Never again," I agreed, hugging him tightly. "I love you way, way too much, Gordo, to let anything stupid come between us."

"Me too," he said softly into my ear, laying his cheek against mine. "I love you way, way too much, Lizzie."

It was a perfect moment, so perfect, in fact, that I felt I wanted to cry. I was so full of emotion, wondering if life could get any better than this. It was a little scary, experiencing this perfect moment, because once you experience a perfect moment, it suddenly occurred to me, there's nowhere to go but down, right? I mean, you can't sustain that level of emotion, that level of intimacy for very long, can you? Something's gotta give.

And so, at the same moment that I was hugging Gordo, feeling so close to him, feeling that everything was so perfect between us, I also felt terrified that something horrible could be right around the corner.

It was an irrational fear, of course. At least that's what I tried to tell myself. It was my hormones, right? I mean, I was due to get my period at any moment. That's all it was. Hormones, and irrational fears.

But, even as I desperately tried to convince myself of this, I held on to Gordo all the tighter, unwilling to let him go.


	6. Chapter 6

_I'm almost at the end of this particular story, --- one, or possibly two more chapters to go._

_Anyway, next, I'm planning to leave my Gordo series for a while now and respond to a challenge which I had issued to Jen10, and which she so aptly took up in her one-shot, A Singles Weekend. Of course we read a lot of LG, and MG here in LM FF, but sometimes it is interesting to see Gordo paired with someone other than these two. Black Knight recently paired Gordo with Claire in a one-shot, and in Jen 10's new story she pairs him with…well, you'll see, but it isn't Lizzie or Miranda._

_Having said all this, the challenge I issue now---for anyone else who would like to accept---is to pair Gordo with another character from the show, not Lizzie or Miranda, and write a one-shot about it. "One-shot" means less than 5,000 words, and I think in order to meet this particular challenge, let's put a deadline of September 30. That gives a good six or seven weeks to come up with a story and post it. Also, October 1 is the day we can officially begin thinking about our NaNoWriMo stories (for those who are planning to participate, and I hope many of you will!) so at that point we want to clear our minds of all extraneous material and begin to FOCUS._

_So anyway, I'd like to apologize for how slowly this story has been moving. I thought it would be interesting to get Lizzie's take on her relationship with Gordo, and what happens to destroy it. The problem with writing Lizzie first-person is that once she starts talking, she does tend to babble a bit. Talk about focus! I wonder if Lizzie would be able to do a NaNoWriMo? Hmmm…there's an interesting premise for a story. Lizzie, Gordo and Miranda decide to participate in National Novel Writing Month, and along the way…_

_On second thought…nah. Just read. And enjoy. If you can. Warning: big-time LG Angst ahead!_

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As Gordo ran back down to the ocean, he waved and smiled at me before turning into the waves, and the inexplicable dread that was trying to dig its claws into me magically evaporated. I began to breathe a bit easier, and settled myself down once more on my beach blanket, safe in the knowledge that Gordo loved me.

Yes, that felt good. _I _felt good. Rachel was talking to me, but I closed my eyes and grunted a few times, so eventually she got the idea that I was not available for conversation, and turned her attention back to Ethan Craft on the other side of her beach blanket.

I didn't want to talk to Rachel. I didn't want to talk to anyone, or do anything, but think about Gordo, and how good he was to me. Good to me, and good _for_ me. I had never had a boyfriend like him before, so kind and considerate. In comparison, all my other boyfriends had been total jerks. What had I been thinking all those years?

And what was I thinking still? I mean, really…the way I treat Gordo sometimes! Fighting with him over… nonsense! Taking sides with Rachel against him…not often, but enough that he had ever right to be annoyed. Why did he put up with me? Why did he not grow tired of me?

But most of all, most amazing…his patience, his incredible self-control. I don't know if there was any other girl in school who was making her steady boyfriend wait so long for sex. And not only was I holding out on him, but at the same time Parker McKenzie was constantly throwing herself at him. I mean, I know Gordo didn't really like her, but it would have been way, way too easy for him to…

But he didn't. And he wouldn't. This much I knew. Gordo loved me, more than anything. I could trust him. I _should_ trust him. So why didn't I?

I lay on the blanket, eyes closed, feeling the late afternoon sun beating down on my back, and tried to psychoanalyze myself. What did I want, and why did I want it? Did I want to sleep with Gordo? Too many times I had tried to tell myself that I didn't want to have sex with him…Yeah, right. I might be able to fool everyone else, but I couldn't really fool myself. I'm not _that_ good of a liar. Moments like we had just had together, lying next to each other on the beach blanket, touching and kissing each other…do you think I didn't feel it too? Of course I did.

Yeah, surprise! Big shocker. I, sweet little Lizzie McGuire, have hormones too. I want Gordo as much as he wants me. Well, maybe not as much, but I _do_ want him. Of course, I can never let him know. Right? That would be just awful. But why? Because if I ever let him know, he would never let me be. He badgers me so much about it already, I didn't need to give him any ammunition. If he thought there might be any hope at all that I would actually give in, I know I would never hear the end of it. And eventually I would cave.

But…but…GAH! I couldn't believe I was asking this, but the question was right there, suddenly right in the front of me, and I had to ask it. The question being: _So what?_ If I caved, would that really be such a terrible thing? I mean, after all, it wasn't like I hadn't dreamed about it, fantasized about it. I wanted it. And if I wanted it, then why not actually do it?

What was I trying to prove? That I was somehow "better" than everybody else? Who was I trying to impress? Or maybe the right question was...what was I afraid of? Yeah, Rachel had warned me repeatedly that after you sleep with a guy (and she had slept with plenty), chances were all of the sudden they would pull away and wouldn't be quite so interested in you anymore, would maybe even leave you flat. I'd seen it happen to her, and plenty of other girls, but it wouldn't be like that with me and Gordo. This much I knew. Yeah, I could trust Gordo. Implicitly.

And I did. At least I think I did. But if I did trust him, and I did want him, then what the hell was I doing? As I lay there on the blanket, pretending to sleep so nobody would bother me in these deep thoughts I was having, I suddenly had to admit to myself that I had no idea whatsoever what was going on inside me.

And then, suddenly, I let my mind run wild with this new idea. Why not? Why not just…cave? Give in. Do what I really wanted to do, what I instinctively knew would be perfectly okay. And even…kind of fun. Why not just say "Oh, screw it!" and jump head first into this new adventure? Maybe it was time to grow up a little. It would certainly put an end to all this stupid bickering Gordo and I were doing lately, and that would bring us closer than ever/ But perhaps best of all, it would lay to rest, once and for all, any concerns I might have about Parker McKenzie stealing Gordo away from me. The competition would be obliterated!

I lay there with my eyes closed and took a few deep breaths, adjusting to this possibility. And the more I thought about it, the more excited I became. Yes, I wanted to do this. I wanted to take the plunge, and share myself with Gordo as I had never shared myself with anybody before. I mean, after all, for years now, whenever I thought about losing my virginity, I could never imagine it being with anyone other than Gordo. I could never imagine myself trusting and loving anyone else as much as I trusted and loved him. This was my fantasy. So why not stop dreaming and just make it a reality already?

A few more deep breaths, and as excited as I felt, I also began to feel quite calm as well, and soon realized that the decision had been made. Somewhere deep inside me I'd overcome the last objection, the last obstacle. Somewhere in the middle of all these deep breaths, I'd turned a corner. I was going to have sex with Gordo, and I felt good about it. Very, very good. And surprisingly, so calm, so very much at peace.

This wasn't what I thought it would be like at all. I'd always imagined I would be jumping up and down, nervous, maybe even jittery. But instead, I felt so relaxed, and that fact that I felt relaxed confirmed for me that this was the right decision. I felt suddenly…mature.

Of course, I wanted to go find Gordo and tell him all about it. And I would, but not quite yet. I wanted a little time to myself first, to adjust to the idea, to make it feel even more real inside me. But even as I thought about how I wanted to be by myself, all I could think about was how I was going to tell Gordo. I could see myself getting up from the beach blanket and sauntering down to the shoreline, shielding my eyes against the sun, now so much lower in the sky, so that I could find Gordo bobbing up and down amid the waves. I would go to him, and hug him, and kiss him, repeatedly, and tell him how much I love him, and then inform him, straight out, "I'm ready." I felt pretty certain he would not ask, "Ready for what?" If I did this right, he would know exactly what I was ready for.

Yes, I wanted to do all this, and had every intention of doing all this, but first…first…ahhh!…the sun on my back, the warmth of the sand beneath my beach blanket. Everything sounded so far away, the crashing of the waves, the chatter of friends all around, and a light breeze played with the edges of my hair…Another deep breath…a short nap. Yes, first a short nap, and then…then…I would go to Gordo…

And so I fell asleep. I don't know for how long exactly, but I do know that I slept quite well. I felt a peace which I had not felt in a very long time. But unfortunately, it was a peace I would not feel afterwards, for many, many years to come. Yes, I had made a momentous decision about growing up. This was a pivotal moment in my life. Unfortunately, it was to be directly followed by another pivotal moment, the moment when I realized, once and for all, that no matter how hard you wanted to believe otherwise, you really, really, couldn't trust anyone else in the whole wide world.


	7. Chapter 7

_This is my penultimate chapter. There will be one more, and then this portion of my Gordo series will be completed. I'm looking forward already to my next story, a one-shot with a character other than Lizzie or Miranda_

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I woke up from my brief nap, stretched, and suddenly remembered my momentous decision. Gordo! I was going to have sex with Gordo. No, not have sex, we wouldn't do that, we would…_make love_. That's how it would be for us, I was sure. He would be so sweet, so caring, and it was going to be the most beautiful thing I could possible imagine.

I rolled onto my back, instinctively raising my arm to cover my eyes against the sun, but quickly discovered that was completely unnecessary. The sun was no longer overhead, but midway between the top of the sky and the horizon. It was late afternoon now. I must have been asleep for quite some time. Well, no matter! I sat up and took a deep breath, preparing myself to embark upon the scene I had rehearsed in my head, just before going to sleep. Stand up, saunter down to the shoreline, find Gordo bobbing amid the waves…

But I could not find Gordo, because I could not see the shoreline, because there was a crowd of people standing there, blocking my view. Something must be going on! What could it be? A shark? Was somebody drowning? Gordo! No, it could never be Gordo, he was too much of a good swimmer, he would never drown. Well then, who—

I stood up suddenly, beginning to feel a bit anxious. Whatever it was, I had to find out, and I had to find Gordo. I fluffed out my hair, brushed some stray sand off my arm and took a step off my beach blanket. But before I could get very far, I looked up and saw that Rachel had broken out of the crowd, and was running towards me. The feeling of anxiety increased as she reached me and took my arm, exclaiming, "Oh my God, Lizzie!"

"Rachel! What is it? What's going on?"

She caught her breath, then spit out, "You shouldn't go down there."

Now the anxiety was in full swing. "What?" I exclaimed. "Why not? Rachel, what is it? Is it Gordo? Is he okay?"

"It's…it's…no, he's not drowning, or anything like that. But still, you shouldn't go down there. Trust me, Lizzie. Do _not_ go down there."

I looked at her for only a moment, and it almost seemed to me that, despite all her objections, she stepped aside, leaving me a clear path down to the beach. My heart was beating like crazy. Something was going on! And as I approached the small crowd at the shoreline, I noticed that it was almost completely composed of our friends. Ethan was there, and Kevin and Ashley and Danny, and even Jessie with Brandon, my old boyfriend, whom I had seen earlier in the day. As I approached, they both turned and looked at me, sadly, and Brandon said, "Oh man, Lizzie…."

Then, I don't know what happened next. After that it seemed that everyone was turning and whispering my name, whispering "Lizzie's here! She's awake, she's here!" And at the same moment, I noticed that some of the people in this small crowd were not my friends at all, but were actually Parker McKenzie's friends! Kitty Paige and Brittany Novak, those two snobby girls who were always hanging out with her, and when they saw me, they both kind of giggled and put their heads together, whispering. I pushed right past them, right past everyone, shoving people out of the way, and yet also holding on to an arm or two as I reached the front of the crowd, because by this time my head was spinning pretty bad.

And then suddenly, as I reached the front of the crowd, all the chattering and whispering stopped, and the only thing I could hear was the swishing of the waves as they reached the wet sand beneath my feet. It had been hours since I'd gone into the ocean, and the coolness of the water shocked me as it swept up over my ankles. But nothing could compare with the shock of what I saw in the ocean before me.

Actually, I couldn't really see it so good at first, because the sun was at that point where it's throwing these huge silver sparkles all over the water, kind of blinding you. It took me a moment to make out that the water was clear, no swimming, no Frisbee, no frolicking of any kind…save for a lone couple, directly ahead. My eyes adjusted to the glare, and now I could see two people, about waist high in the water, lips locked, and all but wrapped around each other. My eyes adjusted some more, and now I could tell that one of the lip-locked lovers was Parker McKenzie. And the other was Gordo.

I think I gasped. And I think I must have lost all feeling in my knees, because suddenly I felt a tremendous pressure on my elbows. People on either side were holding me up. I didn't know who, and I didn't know for how long. All I knew was that the scene in front of me, as horrific as it was, grew increasingly clearer as my eyes continued to adjust to the glare.

Their lips never left each other. This was the most intense case of face-sucking I had ever seen. But that wasn't the worst of it. The worst of it was where their hands were. At first, it wasn't so easy to tell, since they were partly under water, but as the waves surged up and down, there were moments with very clear glimpses of what they were doing to each other below the waist.

At least, it seemed clear to me, and I don't know how everyone couldn't have seen it for what it was, though of course afterwards there were plenty of people who had been there that told me I was wrong, I imagined it, it wasn't like that at all. I think they were just trying to make me feel better, trying to soften it up for me. But while it was happening, while we were all looking at it, Parker's friend Kitty broke the uncomfortable silence with a low whistle and a quiet, suggestive exclamation of "_Strokin!_"

"Shut up, Kitty!" Ethan instantly shot back.

"What?" Kitty replied. "I'm just callin' it as I see it."

"Well, don't," Ethan said, testily. Then, "Hey, does anyone think we ought to…you know…go down there and break it up?"

"Lizzie…?" someone said. I don't know who, and I don't know why, I just knew that if there was any chance that Gordo might suddenly…be free…and look up and see me, I just wasn't going to be able to deal with it. I knew in that moment that he had totally betrayed me, and I was never, ever going to be able to look at him again. At least not without feeling sick. And suddenly I felt incredibly sick.

And now I felt my knees completely buckle underneath me, and the strong arms grabbed me again, pulling me up as a tremendous sob escaped from deep within me. Instantly Rachel was before me, down on her knees, holding my shoulders, pushing the hair out of my face, saying, "Lizzie, Lizzie…oh, Lizzie…honey, do you want to get out of here?"

I sniffed loudly. "Yes!" I cried. "Get me out of here. I want to get out of here. Take me home! I want to go home!"

Rachel raised me to my feet. "I'm taking you home, sweetie. Ethan, help me with her, will you?"

Then Ethan was at my side as well, and together they turned me away from the ocean, and made me walk back up the beach, away from the whispering crowd. Rachel shouted instructions for Ashley to grab my stuff, and threw her keys to Ethan, who must have run ahead and got her car, because somehow now it was right here, and I was being lowered into the passenger seat, vaguely aware of people all around me, still whispering. I lowered my face into my hands, letting my hair cover me and hide me from their prying eyes.

"Enough!" Rachel announced, coming around to the driver's side. "Everybody clear out!"

"But I heard Gordo's back in his swim trunks," Ashley said. "And he's out of the water, and he's looking all over for Lizzie. In fact, I think that's him, headed this way."

I heard myself scream. A blood-curdling scream. "Go!" I shouted at Rachel. "Go! Go! Go!"

Rachel went, immediately, tearing away from the curb with the rubber of the tires shrieking against the asphalt. Or that may have been me, still shrieking. I was shrieking. Crying. Wailing. I don't know what I was doing, I only know I felt like the whole world was collapsing around me.

Oh my God! Gordo and Parker. What was he thinking? No, wait! What was _I_ thinking? Oh my God! I was planning to _do_ _it_ with Gordo, because I felt so absolutely certain I could _trust _him. I was so certain he would be good to me, and never betray me. And now, not only had he betrayed me, but he did it with the worst possible girl in the school, the biggest slut, and on top of all _that,_ there was the added humiliation of him doing it in public, in plain view of all our friends. What was he thinking? Was he trying to hurt me? Destroy me? If so, he had succeeded. But why? Why would Gordo do that? With a sort of odd, vacant feeling in my heart, suddenly I felt as if I didn't know Gordo at all.

I didn't know which was worse. The public humiliation, or my _secret_ humiliation, the knowledge that I had been stupid enough to think I could trust Gordo, and that I had so narrowly escaped making one of the worst decisions of my life. My mind kept wavering back and forth between all the things that were wrong with this picture. It was as bad as if we had actually had sex already. I felt betrayed and defiled.

I'm not really sure how Rachel got me home that day. I didn't see any of the scenery passing by, though the top was down. I was vaguely aware of my hair flying every which way in the wind as I hung my head and wept, in absolute mourning for everything that was—that _had been—_ so important to me. Gordo and I were over. He was no longer my boyfriend. But worse yet, the boy who had been my very best friend for longer than I could remember was no longer my friend. And never could be again.

At some point I became aware of Rachel, talking to me, trying to say things to make me feel better. Unfortunately, Rachel's idea of what would make me feel better consisted mostly of bitter man-bashing, going on and on relentlessly about what a great bunch of scum-buckets they all were. Just about now I agreed with her, but dwelling on it was only making me feel worse, not better.

And so I found it easy to tune her out. I had to protect myself. If there was one thought shining through all the muck in my mind right now, it was that I could not allow myself to go any deeper into this despair. A major portion of my life had just been unceremoniously kicked out from under me and I almost couldn't deal with it. But fortunately, there was one place I could go where this would all stop hurting.

Slowly my sobs subsided, and I let myself go to that place. In fact, I welcomed it, I let it envelop me, and hug me closely, as Gordo would never hug me again, as I could not at this moment imagine myself ever again allowing anyone to hug me. Ironically, I felt soothed by my entry into this magical, wonderful place of …utter ….emotional …numbness.


	8. Chapter 8

_Hi there! A long chapter (I'm sorry!) but even now, this is not the end of the story. I have yet one more chapter to add, but it is already written and will appear in a few days. Then this tale will be told, and perhaps (hopefully) I will have a chance to move on to my Gordo and Veruca one-shot._

_Just want to mention, btw, that this is not my favorite of all my stories that I've written. It's much too dark, much too sad. But I think I've figured out that my personal life right now is going so well, (having recently married the love of my life, my soulmate, fellow fanfiction writer Dr. Strange!) that I must be keeping my emotions in balance by putting all this melodramatic downer stuff into my fiction. But, as it turns out, I don't have a whole lot of time to write fanfiction lately, so I guess in the end this all works out fine. Too much of a good thing, and not too much of the not-so-good._

_Anyway, back to the story. Lizzie has just seen Gordo and Parker making out at the beach and is totally devastated. And now…_

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Nobody was home. Where were they? I didn't know, and I didn't care. Rachel led me out of her car, through the front door and up the stairs, depositing me in my room, on the middle of my bed. I plopped down and didn't move. I almost didn't even breathe. I felt the stillness of the house closing in all around me.

Rachel closed the door and sat down beside me on the bed. She leaned over and gave me a hug, her hair falling all over my face. "Oh, Lizzie…Lizzie…" she moaned. "Poor Lizzie…"

I threw her off, turned away, and faced the wall. I felt her hand on my back.

"Get the hell off me!" I screamed.

"Lizzie!" she cried out, sounding hurt.

"Leave me alone!" I shouted. "God! I wish everyone would just leave me alone!"

"Lizzie, I know you're upset…what Gordo did to you…but that's no reason to—"

"No, stop," I said. My voice sounded much more controlled now, yet still very much on edge, I thought. "Just stop, Rachel. I'm sorry. I don't mean anything against you. It's just I…I…oh, God, I just want to be alone. Can't you understand that?"

I felt her get up off the bed. There was a moment of silence, then I heard her say, kind of stiffly, "I'm just trying to help."

"I know you are," I sniffed. "And I'm sorry, Rach, but really… if anyone should understand, it should be you, right? You've been dumped enough times, cheated on. Betrayed. If anyone should know how I feel, it's you, right?"

"Yes, I do," Rachel said. "I know absolutely. But—"

"No 'buts,'" I said, suddenly irritated beyond belief. I did not want to be having this conversation with Rachel right now. I did not want to be talking to anyone right now. "This is how I feel," I said shortly. "I just want to be alone. Okay?"

"But—"

"Rachel! Please. Just _go._"

"Lizzie, I—"

"Goddammit!" I screamed, suddenly jumping to my feet. "Get a fucking clue, Rachel! Get out of my fucking room! Get out of my fucking house!"

I found myself pushing Rachel to the door, and she was too flabbergasted to resist. All she could manage was a confused, "Lizzie! What the hell—!"

Another moment, and I had pushed her into the hall, slamming the bedroom door shut again, locking it as I stamped my feet and screamed, "Get out! Get out! Get out and leave me alone! I don't want you, I don't want anyone, I just want to be alone! Get the hell out!"

After this outburst I leaned against the door, catching my breath. My head was spinning and I thought I might pass out. I also felt sick to my stomach, like I might puke. I stumbled back to my bed and collapsed, staring up at the ceiling.

A long time passed. I don't know how long. It might have only been a few seconds, it could have been an hour. Time had no meaning to me now. Nothing had any meaning to me now. Until I heard a sudden loud thump in the hallway that made me jump out of my skin. A moment later my mind caught up with me, and I realized Rachel must have kicked the door. I also thought I heard her mutter, "Fuck you," but I couldn't be exactly sure. Another moment, and I heard her clomping down the stairs, then I heard the slam of the front door.

At last she was gone. And _at last_, I was alone. Truly alone.

That emotional numbness I was looking for had been temporarily waylaid…but now… now at last…I could sink back into it, back into the comfort of nothingness…

Yet, somehow I couldn't. Somehow my mind kept insisting on rerunning all these awful scenes, beginning with the most recent. Had Rachel really said "Fuck you" just outside my door? Well, I wouldn't have put it past her. Had I really screamed at her and pushed her out of my room? Well, she deserved it, didn't she? She never really did respect me, I guess. She always wanted to run the show, have things her way. I was sick of it. I was sick of her. Earlier, on the beach, she _had_ moved out of the way—hadn't she?— so that I could pass down to the shoreline and see Gordo with Parker McKenzie. "Don't go down there," she'd said. Yeah, right. That's what she _said_, but Rachel wanted nothing more than for me to go down there and be absolutely destroyed, so then I could join her little club, her man-hating club. Misery loves company, and Rachel was certainly one miserable girl.

And so was I. Because as much as I despised her wanting to drag me down into that pit with her, and as much as I hated being in that pit, if you had to be in the pit, it was always better to be there with someone else…wasn't it? But I was at this moment sort of realizing that our friendship would probably be over.

But strangely, it didn't seem like that great of a loss. I had insisted I wanted to be alone. And alone I was. No Rachel. No friends, nobody I could go to, even if I wanted to. I didn't want to, but it would have been nice to know there was someone I could talk to, if I wanted to.

Years ago, Miranda had been a friend like that, someone I could always depend on, someone I could go to, no matter what. But not anymore. God! I used to have a really good friend in Miranda. She would know what to do just about now, wouldn't she? She would know what to say, what _not_ to say. How had it happened that Miranda and I were no longer the best of friends? In fact, we were barely friends at all anymore. That didn't seem right. BFF. That had been us, back in elementary school, even in middle school. Lizzie and Miranda, best friends forever, for so many years. But not forever. What in the world had happened?

But I couldn't think of Miranda. Not now. Because when I thought of Miranda, all thoughts naturally led from her…to Gordo. Lizzie, Miranda, and Gordo. The Three Musketeers. Pals forever…right?

No. Wrong. Oh, so wrong. As it turned out, everything I had always treasured in life, everything I thought I could depend on, suddenly it was all…gone. Just gone. A giant chunk of foundation just ripped right out from under me. I lay back on my bed, grabbing the blankets, fighting the overwhelming sensation that I was about to fall off some crazy cliff. I caught my breath and tried to calm myself.

But my breath got caught in my throat as I was startled by a sudden knock on the door. Again, my heart raced. I lay still. Who could that be? What was happening? Then I heard a voice. It was my mom, saying, "Lizzie? Lizzie, are you home?"

I pulled myself together enough to answer, "Yeah…Mom. I'm here. I'm home." God, I sounded so normal.

Then I heard the jangle of the doorknob. Mom! I swear! She never asked if it was okay to come in, she just _came in._ Only this time she couldn't, because I had locked the door.

"Lizzie," she said, "your door is locked."

I took a deep breath. "I know, Mom. I locked it."

"Are you okay?"

"I…I got some sunburn at the beach, all right? I feel uncomfortable, so I'm taking a nap. In my underwear. Is that all right?"

"If you have a sunburn," she said, "there's aloe vera in the bathroom."

"I know," I said, rolling my eyes. "But right now, I'm just really tired, and all I want is to take a nap."

I was afraid my voice was starting to sound edgy again, and I knew I couldn't risk having an outburst with Mom, like I'd just had with Rachel. That would be disastrous. Fortunately, I heard her sigh and say, "Well, okay. But dinner's in an hour."

"I'm not hungry."

"Well, you might be in an hour."

_Geez! Why wouldn't she just go away?_

"I'm going to sleep, Mom."

"Well, okay," she repeated, and then, thankfully, she was gone.

Alone again. Except, not truly alone, because once again, all kinds of thoughts began to flood my mind. I was trying so hard to sink back into that emotional numbness, but a part of me simply wouldn't allow it. I guess a part of me knew I couldn't go on ignoring what had happened at the beach. I had to face it, and deal with it. I had to admit it had happened. And I had to admit that Gordo was gone forever.

I rolled over on my side and felt a tear sliding down the side of my face. Oh crap. If I started crying now, I didn't know how I would ever stop. I didn't want to cry, and I didn't want to "deal with" any of this. I kept trying to block it all out, but the harder I tried, the more the pressure increased inside my nose, and behind my eyes, and the more I kept seeing that awful image of Gordo and Parker McKenzie, lips and limbs entwined, floating on the sparkling waves.

The really weird part was that a small part of my brain was able to appreciate that image as being truly artistic and beautiful. I mean, it was the kind of thing you would see on a travel poster for the Bahamas, two lovers in the sparkling sea at sunset, enjoying their vacation and each other. So lovely, so festive, so… sensual…

My nose stung, and my eyes teared. Sensual. Gordo and Parker, so…sensual together. So _erotic_. All wrapped up in each other, kissing each other, their hands all over each other. And I do mean _all_ over each other. I know what I saw. I know where he was touching her, and what she was doing to him, beneath the water. And he wasn't objecting, he wasn't trying to pull away. He was enjoying it. Every moment of it. That _bastard!_

Now the tears were coming, full of anger as I pounded my pillow and held back a scream. I felt my face all stretched and contorted as I screamed a silent scream into the ceiling of my room. I had to be silent, absolutely silent, because there was no way in heaven or earth that I could _ever_ let anyone in my family know what had happened. They would know, of course, that Gordo and I had broken up, but I would never tell why. I would have to think up some lame excuse, some reason that would sound good, something that would somehow appease my mom, who would no doubt want me to "talk" about it. But I had no intention of talking about this to her, or to anyone. It was just too awful, too embarrassing. Gordo had played me for such a fool. God! I hated him!

If he wanted Parker McKenzie, why hadn't he just been upfront about it? It would have been so much easier to break up privately, over dinner, or on the phone. Why did he have to humiliate me like that in public? And why after just being with me on the beach, kissing me, telling me how much he loved me? What was that all about? Was he trying to mess with my head? Was he trying to be cruel? Did he hate me that much? I just didn't understand him.

And I didn't want to understand him. I didn't want anything except to forget him. But how could I? There was no way I could ever forget Gordo. He had been a part of my life for as long as I could remember. To forget him, I would have to forget who I was. I would have to be someone else. I would have to cease to exist.

Oh, that's what I wanted now, to cease to exist. I wanted so much to just stop…_feeling_…everything that I was feeling, but those damn tears kept welling up behind my eyes. I couldn't even think straight anymore. My thoughts were out of control, coming all at once, and I was so confused, and lost, and the most unhappy I'd ever been in my life. I just wanted it all to STOP!

But it wasn't going to stop. Not yet. That would come later, much later. Right now, the tears won out, mixed with all my silent screams.

I don't know how long I cried, but it was long enough that it became painful, actually, physically painful. My lungs felt like they were going to burst, and my eyes were on fire. At times I was afraid I was going to stop breathing. I stifled my cries in my pillow, thankful that Matt had chosen this time to blast the Moody Blues from his bedroom stereo. The Moody Blues was his latest musical obsession, and I had kidded him many times about how "groovy" his old rock sounded, but right now I was only grateful that the music was so exceptionally loud, providing a great cover for all my pathetic weeping and wailing.

I don't know how long this went on. An eternity, at least. Would I never stop crying? Was this only going to feel worse and worse, and never any better?

It got a little scary, when I got all caught up in the possibility that I might never stop crying, but eventually, exhaustion won out. Yes, I did have a bit of a sunburn, and perhaps some sunstroke. Aloe vera would have been good for my skin just about now, and my sore throat craved the lemonade I knew my mom would be serving with dinner. But I also knew there was no way I would be going downstairs to dinner, no way I could leave this room tonight. I didn't get up to look in the mirror, but I could feel how enflamed my eyes and cheeks were, and knew I looked horrendous.

Shaking, I flipped over my pillow to the side that was not drenched in tears. Here, the cotton was silky and cool, and I rested my cheek against it, feeling a little better at last. The soft opening chords of Knights in White Satin drifted into my room and I latched on, letting the music calm me as my mind ran over the phrase "white satin" over and over again. The silky coolness of my pillow got all wrapped up with the phrase "white satin" and I knew at last I was heading into sleep, where, at least for a short time, I could forget how absolutely awful everything in my life was at this moment.


	9. Chapter 9

_End of this story. Not sure when I 'll get a chance to write more in my "Gordoverse." Dr. Strange and I have some ideas for a really cool collaborative project. That's next on the agenda, after NaNo. Anyway, if there's anyone out there still reading LM FF, hope you liked this one. My promise: I'll keep writing, even if nobody else is reading._

_Christy _

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Some time later, I got woken up by a soft knock on the door. For a moment I couldn't remember what time it was, or even what day it was. Should I be getting up and getting ready for school? But no, the room was nearly dark. Was it the weekend? I think I was napping. There was a vague recollection of Matt's music (which had now stopped) and of being called downstairs for dinner, to which I had rudely yelled back, "Not hungry! Leave me alone!" I lay still, listening to the silence, my mind trying to catch up.

The knock came again, timidly, followed by a soft pull on the doorknob. Was this my mom, once again trying to invade my privacy? But if it was her, why didn't she try to just burst right in, like she usually did? Why was she being so…polite?

And then I heard a whispering voice from the other side of the door. "Lizzie…"

Gordo. It was Gordo! I sat up suddenly, ready to bound off the bed and open the door for him. Did we have a date? Were we going to the movies? Out to dinner? How had I managed to oversleep? Oh, I hoped I wasn't going to make us late for—

No. Stop. Suddenly, it all came crashing back at me, that scene at the beach. It was like an avalanche of misfortune, burying me till I couldn't breath, and I felt absolutely crushed.

"Lizzie…" Gordo repeated, still whispering, but now sounding a little more insistent.

I went numb all over, and I think for a moment my heart stopped beating. The darkness and the silence protected me, until another knock jangled my nerves.

"Lizzie!"

Now his voice was louder, more desperate, and I could tell that he was _not _going to go away. I was going to have to answer him, if only to say, "Get the hell out of my life forever, you scumbag!"

That's what I wanted to say, but I couldn't force myself to get it out. All I could manage was a weak, "Go away."

I heard Gordo sigh, and I could tell that he was relieved I was awake, and that I was talking to him. Only, I wasn't really talking to him. I had nothing more to say to him, not now, not ever.

"Look, Lizzie," he said, "I came over, and your mom sent me up to see if you want to come down to dinner. I guess you've been sleeping. She wants to make sure you're okay."

I laughed bitterly. "Okay?" I shot back. "Am I _okay?_"

"I told her you got some sunburn at the beach today—"

"Ha! Yeah, I did," I heard myself telling him, unable to resist the barb. "I got burned at the beach today, Gordo. I got really, really _burned."_

Then I heard the doorknob again, followed quickly by Gordo's whining, pathetic, apologetic voice. "Lizzie, Lizzie…please let me in. Please let me talk to you."

"There's nothing to talk about," I announced coldly. "Actions speak louder than words, Gordon. And your actions today made it perfectly clear how you feel about me."

"No!" he exclaimed. "Lizzie, you don't understand. "You have to give me a chance to explain. Please."

"I'm not interested in your explanations," I said curtly. "I'm no longer interested in anything you have to say, Gordo. I'm only interested in getting you away from my door and out of my life. Forever."

"Lizzie, please! I can't talk to you out here in the hall. Please let me in. Don't shut me out like this. You don't understand. You have to let me explain. You have to let me in. Lizzie, please…"

God, he was pathetic! I could just see him on the other side of the door, whining, groveling, pushing at the door. So sad. And yet I had no sympathy for him whatsoever.

"Gordo, stop it," I demanded. "You're making an ass out of yourself, and in about thirty seconds I am going to lose all patience with you."

I guess my reference to thirty seconds increased his sense of urgency, because suddenly he was talking very quickly, saying, "I didn't start it, Lizzie. She came at me, she surprised me, she blackmailed me, there was nothing I could do but—"

"Nothing you could do?" I screamed. "Nothing you could _do?_ Your only option was to start making out with her in front of all our friends?"

"She took my—"

'SHUT UP, GORDO! Shut up!" Now I was really pissed, and I couldn't help but lay into him.

"Look," I said, standing up beside my bed and yelling at the dark door. "I don't want to hear anymore of this. I can't hear any more of this! God, I don't even know why I'm talking to you! You've humiliated me beyond belief! I have no idea how I am ever going to be able to show my face in public again! Do you have any idea what you've done to me, how you've hurt me? All this time I thought you cared about me, and I thought you were telling me the truth about Parker McKenzie. I trusted you, goddammit! I let myself trust you, I let myself believe in you, and believe that you cared about me, and that we could…that we might…" A sob caught in my throat as I said, "And I can't believe that I almost…"

I stopped, and then I think I actually heard him take a breath, before he asked, very quietly, "Almost what, Lizzie?"

"Nothing," I said quickly, sniffing away my tears. "And it doesn't matter now, anyway, because all this time…all this time…_Fuck_, Gordo! All this time, I've been so clueless, I've had no idea…no idea that you could possibly hate me so much… so much…to do what you did today..."

"Lizzie! Oh my God! I don't _hate _you! I don't hate you at all! I love you. I love you so much, I…I…"

I found myself at my door, only inches from Gordo, ready to challenge him. If he dared to say one more word, tell one more lie—

But at the moment, there were no more words from the lying Gordo. There was something that sounded like tears. I'd heard him cry a few times before. This was a pretty good approximation.

"Lizzie…" he said again, hopelessly. "Please let me in. Please let me see you."

"Fuck you," I said evenly, feeling my heart grow harder by the second.

Again, there was that noise like crying, and somehow that bothered me so much, I couldn't take any more of it.

"Look, Gordo," I said flatly. "It's time for you to go."

"But I have to—"

"No, you don't have to do anything but get the hell out of my house. And never come back."

"But I—"

"But nothing, Gordon! You're in my house, and you're the one that fuckin' cheated on me, not the other way around! I'm calling the shots here, and I'm telling you now: get the fuck out of my house."

"But Lizzie, I—"

"Are you deaf, or stupid, or what?" I found I was yelling into the crack of the door, and I'm sure my voice must have been carrying all the way down the stairs, but I didn't even care. I'd had just about all I could possibly take of David Gordon. It was time to end this thing, right here, right now.

"Listen!" I screamed. "And listen good, you stupid lying idiot, because these are the last words I am ever going to say to you: I hate you, I hate you, and I never want to see you again."

"Lizzie—"

"Do you want me to say it again?" I screamed into the crack of the door. "I hate you, I hate you, and I never want to see you again! _I hate you and I never want to see you again!_ One more time?" And here I drew in a deep breath before bellowing, "I HATE YOU, DAVID GORDON! I FUCKIN' HATE YOU SO MUCH AND I NEVER WANT TO—!"

"Hey!"

This was not Gordo, but my dad's voice, at the foot of the stairs. "Hey!" he repeated. "What's going on here? Gordo, where's Lizzie? Is she still—?"

But my dad had nothing more to say, because all of the sudden there was a terrific rumbling of footsteps down the stairs, and I knew that at last Gordo was gone, scared away either by my dad or my persistent screams of hatred. It didn't matter which to me. All that mattered was that Gordo was gone. At last. And I was alone. Completely.

Well, at least until, a moment later, my dad knocked on the door and tried the doorknob. "Lizzie," he questioned. "Is everything all right?"

I had made my way back to the bed and was lying down on it, staring at the ceiling, absently playing with the ear of Mr. Snuggles, my stuffed toy from childhood.

"Yeah," I said emotionlessly to my dad, through the door. "Everything's fine."

"Are you sure? Cos Gordo just went tearing out of here like—"

"We broke up, Dad," I said simply.

"Oh, honey…"

"Listen," I said suddenly. "If you would tell Mom, and Matt…"

"Okay," he said awkwardly. "But if you want to talk about it…"

I smiled, sadly. "Thanks, Dad, but no thanks. I'll be okay."

Wow. I sounded so calm now, I almost convinced myself. Actually, it had felt good to get all that off my chest with Gordo.

I heard my dad sigh on the other side of the door. "Well…I'm going back downstairs for more dessert. If you're hungry, Lizzie, come on down."

"Thanks, Dad. Maybe later. Right now I just want to be alone. Tell Mom that, okay? No visitors, no phone calls. I just want to be alone for a while."

"That's fine," Dad said. "I'll tell her."

And then he was gone. And the upstairs hall was quiet. And my room was dark. And I was alone, feeling so calm at the moment, strangely, almost eerily calm. And along with that, also feeling this really empty…really cold feeling in my heart. It was kind of uncomfortable, actually. My heart felt so empty, and so cold and so full of hate, like it never had before. And then there was this numbing realization that the entirety of my life had been soured, and tainted, and basically ruined. And nothing was ever going to be the same again.


End file.
